Sunglasses on and golden-brown hair flying,
Melody Daacon – Mel - cruises through the farmlands just north of Kalamazoo, MI
in a large green van. Wind whips through
the interior, almost drowning out the sound of the old tape playing in the tape
deck. The truck moves quickly past
fields of corn and soybeans reminding Mel of her uncle’s farm nearby where she
spent some of her childhood. This is the
area where she lived when she was younger, and where her mother still
resides. Mel considers herself a Kalamazoo
native, even though she grew up just outside in the small town of
Parchment. Her father lived across the
city in Portage and she made the trip back and forth many times. She often went to college parties in the
city,
Mel is now incredibly active in Kalamazoo
community organizations, especially those relating to sustainable food, but
back then she recalls just being a kid who liked sports and who wasn’t too
concerned with how things like food systems worked. When she graduated high school she wanted to
leave Kalamazoo as quickly as possible, attending Central Michigan University
for a bachelors in health administration.
There, Mel met a guy that she had seen one
night in high school at a college house party on Lovell. They had talked for a little bit but nothing
had come of it, until now. The pair
started dating, went on study abroad together in Norway, and were married soon
after. They both moved on to pursue
higher degrees at Saint Louis University and eventually settled down in New
Jersey.
Mel found herself working in New York City
for the Health Department while her husband worked as a lawyer for a firm. Her experience at the Health Department was
stressful and degrading. Every day she
had to convince doctors to give them patients using all sorts of tactics, this
is not what Mel had imagined when she said she wanted to go into health
administration. Gradually, Mel began to
realize that she and her husband were different people than they were when they
had met back in Kalamazoo and the relationship wasn’t working any more. It was time to move on.
The marriage ended and Mel realized that she
had nowhere to go except to the place that she had so readily left 10 years
before. She said coming back felt like,
“being hugged by Kalamazoo,” it felt right.
An uncle who she had not known much during her childhood was terminally
ill with brain cancer, so she moved in with him to be his caretaker in his
final months. The experience allowed her
to get to know her uncle before he passed, and kept her busy, letting her move
forward.
Mel pulls into the parking lot of Bacchus
Wine and Spirits, fidgeting with her glasses, hair, and notebook. She is nervous for the cold call she is about
to make to the owner about having the store stock her pickles, Veggie
Bites. Mel has been working with the
small business since shortly after she returned to Kalamazoo two years
ago. A family friend, Ron, owns the business,
but Mel does most of the required work; including marketing, going to farmers
markets, and pickling vegetables. Mel
pickles in a small room full of counters and several sinks. All of the vegetables are delivered from
Russell Farms in Parchment, and Veggie Bites is a local product and markets
itself as such.
“I’m always nervous for the first minute or
so and then everything is fine,” she says of making cold calls, “sometimes if
I’m by myself, I’ll just drive away.”
This time, however, she goes in, introduces herself and asks for the
owner. He’s not there but she gets a
business card and leaves a few samples for him to try. The new owner is interested in local
products, according to the ladies at the register, so Mel is hopeful she’ll get
a call back. Veggie Bites are already
eaten by many people, although they may not know it, Bell’s Eccentric Café goes
through about six large buckets per week, they pair them with each of their
sandwiches. Bronson Hospital also
carries them in their cafeteria.
After the meeting, Mel hops back into her
van, breathing more easily after the interaction. She answers a phone call from someone asking
about what grants the Kalamazoo River Valley Trail has applied for this
year. In addition to her pickling work,
Mel works part time for the Kalamazoo River Valley Trail writing grants and
doing social media. She also does some
bookkeeping for a local patent lawyer.
Mel considers this to be a semi-transition phase in her life still, but
she loves every minute of it. Setting
her own schedule is something she was never able to do at the Health
Administration and the change is freeing.
In addition to her multiple part time jobs,
Mel is a very active volunteer at the Kalamazoo Food Co-op and sits on the
board of Fair Food Matters, a local non-profit focused on food sustainability
and accessibility. “This is the kind of
town where you can do that,” Mel says, “that” being the ability to be involved
in so many things and being very connected to the community.
Ron, the owner of Veggie Bites, has been
asking Mel to take over the business from him fully so he can move on, but she
is hesitating. She isn’t sure if she’s
ready for such a time commitment yet, or if she’s ready to settle down. Her boyfriend, Matt, the man who runs
Kalamazoo Housing Co-op and she have decided to reevaluate in one year whether
to stay in Kalamazoo or move on to somewhere new. So though it might not be permanent, for now,
Kalamazoo is finally home.
So, when reading this, I imagined a pairing between this drive and her return to Kalamazoo. But I didn't get that. Maybe I'm just spoiled. In all seriousness, however, you have this great narrative device, following her in the car with a breadth of detail available to you in a seemingly mundane action, and this serious event of her return to Kalamazoo. But it seems a little swept aside. There are a lot of individual actions, but none of them described in any great detail. Your attention to her activities is great, I just don't see them. Your emotional attention to her transition is great, and where you do have her dialogue, it really draws the reader in.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to read more.
I think this is a really good piece because you provide so much information on Mel's life in the past and give possibilities for the future. At first, when I began reading, I did not know what direction the piece was going to go in. By the time I was in the middle, it seemed like it was taking a turn to a "coming home" kind of story. I think maybe this path gets a little bit lost by the end. I think it would be good to go into a little bit more detail about her readjustment to Kalamazoo after a divorce and so much time away. Maybe that would add another layer of depth to a story that is already strong. I am excited for workshop to hear more!
ReplyDeleteHi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteI don't remember what your previous subject was, but I'm glad you were able to regroup and come up with this one. Mel is interesting, and definitely has a story to tell. You're on a good scent. It sounds like more reporting is going to happen, and I think that will resolve most of the next comments I'll make. But I'm going to make them anyway.
Going forward, I think you're going to have to decide *which* story to tell. There's a homecoming tale in here, and there's a coming-of-age tale that is not necessarily the same story. I also found myself wondering about her interests given the different jobs she has held and her relationships to all of them. What is it about the Health Department that she didn't like? And in light of that, what is it about the pickle company that she does (or sometimes doesn't) like? What are her specific hesitations about settling down? Does she think of herself as fulfilled in her current roles with the KRV, PFC, FFM, etc? Or is she still searching for where she fits in in the world?
We need to see more dimensions of her. Especially in the moments of transition or heartbreak. You gloss over the divorce (which I'll admit is maybe the best idea in the end), but divorces are nasty, messy affairs. And if this one is not, it's worth mentioning that she and her husband were able to end it amiably. So far, we see no flaws in Mel. I want flaws.
Reading this draft, it occurs to me that you will face some of the challenges evident in the Old Man Peters piece from Franklin's book. Franklin droned on and on and on describing the man's life, in sequence, for 70 years or something. You are trying to cover a lot of time and a lot of different events in Mel's life with this piece right now. I'd recommend narrowing your focus, finding one aspect of Mel's story to tell, and telling it with supporting details derived from your wider knowledge of her life. And make sure the one aspect you find offers plenty of opportunity to showcase her distinct personality.
I think you're on to something. Keep digging and you'll hit gold. Or oil. Or something else lucrative.
Hi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteI love Mel. What a gal. It's really fun to read about her through your eyes :)
I would like to agree with a lot of the things Colin said, he was very thorough. Yes: I think you need to decide what story you are telling and hone in one one things even though you probably want to touch on at least a bit of everything she told you (I found that challenging in my piece as well, so i don't say that as someone who has mastered it!). In your process you talk about the divorce, but it seems kind of out of place here. You also talk about going to the farmers market, where is that in the piece? Or was it not super important? Right now it seems as though your story is mostly about the pickles, so maybe you can get more detailed about that and hopefully find some smaller side stories/quotes to hone in on it more.
Overall I really like how you contextualize and slip in background and important information to kind of set the stage for her life. The parts I like the most are the specific, captivating details, like how she hates making cold calls, and the reevaluating living in Kalamazoo after a year, and things like that because they show the most character. So if your piece is full of things like that you will be golden.
See you tomorrow,
Charlotte
Hi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how you found Mel, but great job. She seems like a fascinating subject to write about and I am interested in knowing more. You also really made me want to try some of her pickles, I don't know whether or not she has read this piece yet but I'm sure she will appreciate the local advertising.
All in all, I think you have a good first draft here. At times I thought the piece was a little ambiguous, like write when the real story was going to come through you moved away from it. This is a real weakness of my piece this week as well. I think you could improve this by either picking one aspect of Mel's life to focus on (in my opinion i think you should talk about the pickles more, I am interested to learn more about the process and this business), or to add more specificity to the different aspects of her life. As in, to give us the bigger picture of what she has done and been through. I thought you very tastefully handled her and her exhusband's separation. That is not something that is easy to do. One thing that I think will really help with all this is some direct quotes. Transcribing etc is a pain in the ass but it will really help us as readers get a sense of who she is, without you having to tell us.
Glad I know a little more about this woman. I will have more in class.
Thanks
Woody
I agree that you've done a good job finding a subject and reporting on your toes. So to speak. Except that's not a thing people say when they speak, probably. Anywho.
ReplyDeleteI want a lede to come a little sooner, I think—tell me not just where Mel is from but why she's important, or hint at it more explicitly—sooner in the piece, maybe. I know that she's a community organizer, an active member of the area—but what makes her different from other active members of the community.
Another thing, and this is little, is transitions. Sometimes I feel like I'm being walked through a timeline and there are bits of read that could be skipped over—they aren't necessarily details. But I think that's an easy thing to go back and revise because it's mostly just cutting and condensing and sentence-structure based.
I like this, it kept me reading. You're cool. See ya soon.
-Kelsey
To mimic everyone elses statements- props on going with the flow and figuring something else out! Reporter points here. One of the major things I like about this piece were the different aspects of Mel's life, and I think you can really work with what seems like many events/ aspects of her life.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see more dialogue, however. There is a piece in the middle..."Mel pulls into a parking lot." For one, I liked this sections descriptive aspects, you really brought your reader into the scene, her anxiety, etc. Try this at some other points if you can, I was engaged here. I also liked this part because it had her talking, which I think is crucial to your piece. A couple more sound bites!
See you in class.
i agree with kelsey, the lede could come sooner so we know exactly what we're reading. that would clear up my second issue with this ("issue" is way severe, its just the first thing that i noticed) which is that we get a lot of storytelling (good) and a lot of characterization of mel (awesome) but it seems to be a bit disjointed. if we were to know exactly why we were in her car in the first place i wouldnt be so worried about where we were going. for example, if you suddenly find yourself in a strangers car, you might be worried as to where you were going and your safety. but, if the stranger, or a friend, looks at you and says "hey, this story is about pickles, so youre cool and safe," i would realize how fun the whole thing was. pickles, how harmless.
ReplyDeletealso, if you intersperse all of your information into different paragraphs, the end wont read as a summary... what i mean is, you are a good writer, so take the hunk of play-doh that appears at the end of your essay and built something pretty with it!
chandler
Great comments here. You didn't drop off a hard copy, but I wanted to give some feedback. Here's the quick and dirty to help with revision:
ReplyDeleteGo beyond her personal history/narrative by capturing her more in scene and by talking to other people about her. Consider overhauling structure by interweaving the present moment as a narrative thread with her chronological past. Make it clear from the get-go who she is and why we should care about her. You don't indicate what she does until the 6th paragraph.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteCassie,
ReplyDeleteThis is a solid beginning--the subject is interesting and the writing is good. There are some great moments here--the way you captured the subject's nervousness during the cold call is really good.
In fact, you have a whole mess of good material to work with here. I think your main task in revision is going to be shaping it into a cohesive, tight narrative. As it stands, it's a little bit disjointed and murky in the area of theme.
One idea: in your process writing, you said you pretty much wrote things in the order that they were told to you as you rode around with your subject. I think this piece is really trying to be a day-in-the-life story. After picking a theme, zoom the camera in on the subject during this car ride,. Focus on concrete details and images and use them as opportunities to introduce back-story and history. The strongest moments of this piece come when it's anchored in the present.
I look forward to reading the final draft!
Trevor